Evolutionary Phases of Personal Development

WHAT IS THIS?

EVOLUTIONARY PHASES OF PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

The Phases of Human Development is a system that I developed to assist self-development junkies and spiritual seekers in understanding where they are, where they want to go, and how to get there. The core principle of the Phases System is that human development is mappable. The Phases serve as a blueprint for creating a phenomenal life. The program is universal in principle, but highly individualized. Using the proprietary quiz you can identify to exactly what degree you have integrated the positive elements of the Phases, and to what degree you still have to process pain points from each one.

WHY?

We all wish for a more vibrant life. We want to feel fulfilled, full of love, and deeply connected to our work and those around us. In 2019 it was estimated that the “market for motivational self-improvement programs and products that seek to improve us physically, mentally, financially or spiritually” was 11$ billion dollars. Much of that has come out of my wallet. From the age of 14 onwards I was obsessed with personal development, or, better put, desperate to heal and improve myself. I’ve spent tens of thousands over the years on books, ebooks, online video courses, therapy, therapy groups, therapy programs, psychedelic healing, etc, and spent as many hours consuming any podcast, video, or written material that I felt could help me on my quest. Over a decade later I’m still on the quest, but I’ve learned what works and what doesn't for me, and more importantly, I now understand where I want to go, how to get there, and how anybody can understand themselves in the same way.

MY STORY

I was born in Greenwich Village in New York City to a journalist father and dancer mother. They were around almost all the time and I led a beautiful life - a “fairy tale” as my parents described it. When I was 6 years old I watched the first plane crash into the World Trade Centers as I was on my way to school. I had nightmares constantly, I raged against my parents, my world was cold and hopeless. I went to a few therapists at the time, but it seemed like I had improved after a year or so, so I stopped going. It appeared that life was back to normal. But as I grew older, especially entering adolescence, this trauma became unavoidable. I couldn't bear to be with myself. I couldn't stand the sight of myself - I didn't look in the mirror for more than five years. I was terrified and desperate for friends, for protection. I had nothing outside of fantasies of release from my prison. These were years of confusion and darkness until, at 15 years old I decided I needed a change. I became a voracious, and desperate consumer of any information on personal development and healing that I could. I ran six miles a day for years and didn’t take a step outside my house without a growth podcast in my ear. I was addicted to my process, but I loved the work too. As the years went on my path took on different forms, evolving and changing in ways I couldn't have expected. I became a yogi, took a cross country road trip, took up rock climbing, and spent years doing psychedelic healing work. At the time, these seemed like random deviations. I sometimes intuited that growth was happening, I could see it if I looked back years, but I distrusted the process. “What about all the people who never get where they want to go?” I would worry.

In the fall of 2020 I was introduced to Suzanne Cook-Greuter’s Nine Levels Of Increasing Embrace In Ego Development by Leo Gura of Actualized.org. Cook-Greuter had created a model of human cognitive and spiritual growth, presented as a lengthy research paper. The paper is based on hours of psychological testing over multiple decades. It’s a magnificent work of academia, which Leo has suggested has potential use for individual growth. I’ve become

enamored with many personality models: the Myers-Briggs test, the Enneagram, Spiral Dynamics, etc, but I fell in love with Cook-Grueter’s paper because it implied a model of both depth and width.

WHY IS THIS MODEL NECESSARY

Put simply, I believe that 99% of self-help content isn't useful. Most is overgeneralized, not taking your unique desires and aptitudes into account. Most is based on cookie-cutter methodology, designed for anyone 15 to 50, or from an absolute beginner to a seasoned veteran of every Tony Robbins course or Ayahuasca retreat available. I cannot imagine many other “growth” oriented materials that would make such enormous promises of benefit while trading in so many platitudes and vagaries. I say this not so much as a competitor but as a disappointed customer. I’ve had countless failures and frustrations with everyone from Napoleon Hill and Cal Newport to Matt D'Avella and Sam Harris. I don’t write this to disparage these artists. On the contrary, I’ve tremendously enjoyed their work and think they’re visionaries in the field. I simply wasn’t getting what I needed. This frustration followed me through my personal therapy, which has often looked like a hodge podge of techniques and talk, as well as shifting goals of achievement, purging, understanding, and on.

Frankly, I think much of this content did me more harm than good. It was marketed using my fears and weaknesses, but set me up for failure by making suggestions and espousing a mindset that I simply was unable to live up to. I would judge myself for my failures to comply and continue the desperate search.

Years later, I spent many hours mapping my own growth against the 9 stages. But, in the end, I felt that the model was lacking two things. First, I wanted it to be more diagnostic. For me, it wasn't just a thought experiment, it was, as I’ve mentioned before, the beginnings of a blueprint. I saw it as a ladder explaining where I had been, where I was now, and showing me a vision of where I could go. Second, the inherent hierarchy of the model is not reflective of how I believe effective personal growth is done. The hierarchy connotes better and worse, more and less advanced. I would find myself disdaining my level 5 qualities and yearning to stretch to level 7. This is when I was inspired to build my own model.

THIS MODEL PROVIDES

1. An evolutionary model of personal growth, scoping from from self-loathing and inactive, to vibrant, loving, and fulfilled. Is this a path to enlightenment? No. I’m not there yet, and I wouldnt pretend that I can help you get there either. But, if you’re depressed, dissatisfied in your career, love life, health, etc, chances are that you could benefit from a blueprint that helps you understand what’s holding you back and how to get to the state of freedom and passion that, if you’re anything like me, you greatly wish for.

2. This model is accompanied by a diagnostic test that will allow you to boil down the seemingly infinite complexity of the human mind into certain empirical qualities. It will show you what positive qualities you may need to work on, which qualities may be hampering your growth, and provide suggestions for how to work on your individual advancement.

THE PHASES

A few things to keep in mind before I walk you through the five Phases:

1. These are not hierarchical. I have arranged them in this fashion because it’s the order I have moved through these phases and I believe others will as well. However, and very crucially, you may have a host of extremely positive qualities from the latter stages but have unresolved issues from the initial stages.

2. No one has fully processed their shadow characteristics or fully embodied their higher self characteristics. This is a tool to gain self-knowledge and work towards deeper levels of fulfillment, NOT towards a fantasy of perfection.

3. Nobody will be 100% Socializer or 100% Leader, everyone possesses a complex and ever-changing mix of qualities.

4. This is simply my experience. I think much of it is universal but yours may be different!

The Socializer

Description: For someone in The Socializer phase the most important thing is acceptance from the pack, friend group, company, religious organization, etc. We are wired to be socially concerned for better and worse. Somebody with a great deal of these qualities would be fiercely loyal and determined, but these positive qualities will usually be filtered through the desires or interests of another - for example, a parent, a friend whose adoration is desired, or a boss, coach, etc. The skills of The Socializer can be harnessed to do great work in the therapeutic and healing fields, advertising, conflict resolution and others where well-developed interpersonal and paramount. The Socializer is concerned with the bottom levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy of

Needs, particularly safety, security, and a sense of belongingness to a group. He is willing to sacrifice for this, materially, emotionally, and ethically.

Energetic Dynamics: In this phase energy is held tightly in the more superficial levels of the organism, the skin and superficial musculature. It can be readily harnessed, but is held tautly for fear that spontaneous release (perhaps in the form of genuine self-expression) would threaten the delicate and possibly capricious acceptance of the group. The Socializer feels the need to posture, but, if this is only developed later in life, maybe around early adolescence, these blocks will be relatively superficial on an energetic level.

Light Qualities: The Socializer is tasked with mastering the ability to get along with others and stay safe in the social arena. If we develop the light qualities of The Socializer we become capable of collaboration with others, following instructions, trusting others, and feeling like a worthy part of a group or organization. If these abilities seem rudimentary you may have already developed them. But I challenge each of you to truly evaluate your comfort in difficult social situations and see if there is room to grow.

How to Develop: Exposure is necessary to build comfort and skill in interacting with others. It’s important to note that skill in socialization is not about always getting along with others. It is a capability that is deployable when necessary. For those who struggle with the light qualities of The Socializer Phase, it is recommended to expose yourself to small doses of socialization weekly - ideally in a group context with a unifying mission - like a sports team, religious group, etc.

Dark Qualities: On the other end of the spectrum, The Socializer Phase can be desperate for approval of the group, and have a sense of superiority and judgement of other groups. To a

degree this is actually necessary because they work to keep The Socializer within his group long enough to build the light qualities. But, to develop an abiding feeling of social safety and support these wounds must be examined and healed.

How to Heal: These dark qualities are understandable - for millenia a human being's survival was intrinsically linked to their ability to elicit the supervision and support of their tribe. We have retained our wiring, even though circumstances have changed greatly. For this reason, it takes work to overcome these qualities. A throughline of all the prescribed healing and quality development in this paper will be discomfort - slowly and steadily. If you find yourself struggling with the dark qualities of The Socializer Phase, and you wish to advance and open your heart, expose yourself to other kinds of people and groups, and experiment with leaving your group for times - either literally or figuratively. This might mean exploring other religious ideals or making friends with people from different cultures. Keep in mind that a healthy introduction to anything new and potentially challenging will be difficult, but should not become overwhelming. I’d suggest not exceeding a difficulty of around 6 or 7 out of 10, so that you are best able to do this work consistently until these deeply ingrained fears have been met and healed.

Statements:

• -  “My group knows best.”

• -  “Family comes first.”

• -  “I must fit in.”

• -  “I am willing to change to be accepted.”

  In Pop Culture: In American pop culture we might see figures with many qualities of The Socializer represented as yes men or fundamentalists. Some popular characters include

Smithers from The Simpsons, Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada, and Kennneth from 30 Rock. These are largely cartoonish exaggerations of the darkest qualities of The Socializer Phase. It must be said that this phase is completely invaluable because it teaches us how to communicate and survive with others. The “negative” qualities are built into the phase to help each human commit fully to their group. A healthy amount of fear helps to keep initiates of The Socializer phase within the boundaries of this phase long enough to reap its necessary skills. Full embodiment of this phase and it’s dark qualities will be most visible in people without much life experience - usually children or people who have been isolated from other cultures, logistically or ideologically - think of religious zealots but also small towns without inflow of other cultures from tourists, trading ports, etc. Many people who have well developed qualities of the Socialized phase and also developed light qualities from the subsequent stages make effective and powerful politicians, leaders of social causes, and mothers and fathers.

My Experience: Middle school for me, as for many others, was a difficult time. Puberty hit me hard, I gained weight, broke out in terrible acne, and old childhood traumas reasserted themselves. The social hierarchy of the school was clear to me. Everyone knew who the “popular” kids were, who the “losers'' were, and every gradation in between. Popularity wasn’t a mysterious quality, it was clear that there was a set of qualifiers - a specific kind of good looks, fashion, charisma, and success with girls. I did not recognize myself as a prisoner of an imaginary system - I truly believed that the hierarchy was godlike, and my responsibility was to do my best to fit in. I muted elements of myself that didn’t fit and held back my self expression. Understandably I was not happy, but I also learned skills that made me lifelong friends and allies in the coming years.

The Rebel

Description: The Rebel phase is one of contraction. If The Socializer phase was about connection with others (albeit mediated by status and judgement) The Rebel Phase is one of individuation. Old beliefs about the world, traditions of the family, or guidance from authority figures can be quickly discarded. The qualities of The Rebel are often seen in teenagers. The Rebel is a necessary stage for the organism to distinguish itself from its social surroundings and set itself up for self actualization. However, this can be a painful time, filled with very common feelings of anger, vindictiveness, and nihilism. In essence, the modus operandi of The Rebel is to free itself, even momentarily, of the figurative and ideological shackles it was born into. What was once seen as a source of comfort, connection, and perhaps superiority, is now outdated, outmoded, and in desperate need of reform. The Rebel Phase can be one of tremendous creativity. It is important to note that this is still a phase of great reliance on others for material and egoic support. The Rebel phase is not in itself a movement away from falsehood and towards truth, but a shift out of the “in-group”, whether this is a literal group or simply the dominant cultural zeitgeist.

Energetic Dynamic: During the Rebel Phase energy moves from the superficial areas of the body (and the stomach if the holding is greater) upwards into the head. The Rebel distinguishes himself intellectually. His fantasies, both violent and aspirational take place in the head. Energy is diverted from playing nice within the community, upwards, but not out.

Light Qualities: One of a person’s primary ways of breaking out of their literal or ideological in-group is through the development of knowledge or skills that are distinct from, or often contrary to, that which was possessed before. One could imagine a devout worshipper breaking from his community through the acquisition of knowledge about Atheist ideology. Additionally, they might develop the ability to argue, particularly in a weaponized way that creates as much

space between the new beliefs and the old. Somebody who has developed their Rebel phase light qualities will be knowledgeable, intelligent, precise, diligent and hardworking.

How to Develop: In my experience, these positive qualities of The Rebel are developed through a “reattachment”. New attachments must be made - away from the elders and role models of the past, to new ones that possess ideas and skills either opposed to the old ones, or at least markedly different. These are primarily intellectual skills, so the evolution required to adopt them is intellectual as well. If you’re a capitalist, ensconce yourself in Marxist literature, listen to communist podcasts, adjust your twitter follows. Most importantly, don’t fear this departure. You have been brainwashed by your culture. This phase may appear to be a second brainwashing but it is primarily important because it builds intellectual flexibility. Also, keep in mind that the new information you consume must be distinct from that which you were indoctrinated into. If you already have very different views than your parents, chances are you’ve already developed many of the positive qualities of The Rebel.

Dark Qualities: The Rebel’s adoption of new ideas is only partially the result of an increasing openness. Of course there is an opening, but it is one from the singularity of the initial ideology (Buddhism, Christianity, “mother is always right”, any combination of these absolutes) to a duality - the initial ideology and the new “correct” ideology which stands in opposition to the first. The Socializer might have grown up with the idea that vanilla is the only proper ice cream flavor. The Rebel has now broken away from this prison and loves chocolate. It's important to note that they have no understanding of, or possibly not even an awareness of, the broad spectrum of flavors that are available. Rocky Road isn't on their radar, and if it was it would be quickly dismissed in the way that chocolate once was. Where The Socializer ascribed to his in-groups ideas to be a part of the group, The Rebel picks their views to be contrarian. This is a way of individuating from their initial caretakers. This is often a contracted state - one of fight and

aggression and violence, often misplaced, and not fully owned. Those with these dark Rebel qualities will rarely take responsibility for and express their rage. Instead, they will siphon their anger through a guise of intellectual debate, or highfalutin and poorly understood statements about how the world works. This is critical to heal because it is actually a source of pain for The Rebel. The Rebel exists in an exhausting state of constant fight. They are worried that if they drop the fight they will be subsumed into the suffocating oneness of The Socializer. But, they are scared to step into the next phase, The Doer.

How to Heal: The most direct and effective way of healing the wounds of The Rebel is to express anger. The true anger of The Rebel is both a destructive and supremely powerful and creative force. It is greatly feared because it threatens expulsion from the in-group. However, the drive to individuate is too great for The Rebel to remain complacent. They might “act out” in highly intellectualized, but thereby watered down ways. Verbal and physical expression of “true” anger will be the simplest way of processing these feelings and transcending them. In terms of practical advice I recommend working with a CoreEnergetics or BioEnergetics practitioner who has experience facilitating the movement of difficult emotions such as anger. I also recommend physical activities and sports that require movement of energy. The fighting sports such as boxing and wrestling are perfect examples, but most any physical activity will work for our purposes because it will move the energy from the head into and through the body.

Statements:

• -  “Facts don’t care about your feelings.”

• -  “I disagree.”

• -  “That’s not substantiated.”

• -  “I hate...”

- “Not knowing is a sign of weakness.”

In Pop Culture: The Rebel has a great many expressions in pop culture. Rap and rock stars like Lil Wayne, Amy Winehouse, and James Dean build public and private personas around rejection of mainstream decency standards. Similarly, many public intellectuals possess qualities of The Rebel. Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson are good examples. Whatever you think of them, they clearly relish in their intellectual superiority. Fans of these public intellectuals and others often possess many qualities of The Rebel as well. This is apparent in the names of YouTube compilations often titled something like “x public intellectual eviscerates y public intellectual.” This type of violent imagery and language is exemplary of the anger of The Rebel, which is expressed, not through the body, but through eloquent and fierce language designed to harm, humiliate, or denigrate.

My experience: My middle school conformity belied an intense rage and resentment for my place in the social hierarchy. I can remember a few moments where I broke and was cruel or violent towards somebody. This was usually somebody I believed to be lower on the social totem pole than I was. These feelings of anger were too scary and dangerous for me to process or release, so they went underground and were filtered into the development of a complex of intellectual superiority and symptoms of body dysmorphia. My great wish was to be unquestionably superior, in a way that could hurt others if necessary. This fantasy felt more socially condoned and safe for my ego than release of the white hot rage that I had been muting. During these years, most of this energy was held in my stomach. It boiled and swirled like a furnace - preventing its leaking out into the world and potentially threatening my safety within the community. As I moved deeper into the Rebel phase the energy moved from my stomach and superficial musculature to my head, where I spent years in hopeless fantasy. This

energy was transformed when it was moved from my head, through and out of my limbs (the periphery of the organism). I will go into detail about this in my experience of the next phase.

The Doer

Description: In The Doer phase, energy is moved from inside the organism out to the external world through, as the name implies, action. The Rebel phase was a contracted one where the organism was defined by opposition. In this phase, we see a movement back to “unity”. The Doer is characterized by his ascription to certain ideologies, philosophies, and most importantly, actions and ways of being. For The Rebel, ideological subscription to something like the Atheism, as well as fantasies of superiority, are primarily a way to distinguish away from the original “home” that hurt him. Now, The Doer moves towards a new home that he believes will offer him value. People with many Doer qualities make great executives and athletes. The Socializer was concerned with conformity and acceptance from his in-group. The Rebel was concerned with individuating from the in-group. The Doer has chosen a new group based on his individual likes and dislikes. For example, a Socializer may be greatly concerned with fitting in with his conservative birth-culture, and then split from this and become enamored with feminist and leftist literature in his Rebel phase. He may then break from this polarity completely and build a life around a job as a lawyer within The Doer stage. The Doer stage is one of action, and one of great promise. One of the most important dynamics of the stage is that actions are taken, not for their own sake, but as means to ends.

Energetic Dynamic: In the Doer energy flows through and out of the body, into a chosen discipline or pursuit. If one has been stuck in the Rebel phase the movement of energy from the head through and out of the body will feel empowering and liberating. If one is stuck in this

pattern while trying to develop qualities in the future phases this energetic dynamic may feel limiting.

Light qualities: The Doer is a workhorse. The energetic power contained in the fantasies of The Rebel is now harnessed for work and creativity. It is important to note that the energy of The Doer is often directed towards activities that seek to actualize the vindictive or superior fantasies of The Rebel. Alternately they may be directed towards a kind of compromised value (“well if I can’t be superior, at least I can be comfortable.”) The Doer, more than any of the previous stages, has the ability to generate and create in any field - be it athletics, politics, or the arts. The Socializer expended great energy holding in its true self to win favor in the group. The Rebel was able to let out some energy through the head, but the manifestations of this are usually internal, and in the form of fantasy. The Doer is able to take this energy and push it out into the world. The Doer is passionate about personal development and improvement, and is beginning to become interested in psychology. The Doer has a much greater ability to make their intellectual dreams and wishes reality. They are also increasingly tolerant of other kinds of beliefs, including those that they individuated away from in The Rebel phase.

How to Develop: Act now. These light qualities of The Doer are developed by taking decisive action in any direction. The direction is far less important than the movement and the development of the capacity to do. Important qualities to develop these skills will be willpower and discipline. The Socializer will be unused to creating for himself, rather than the group. He also may have felt creatively stifled by the group. The Rebel will similarly be unused to doing. They have thought about taking action many times - but the fantasy itself may be stultifying - the perfectionism created in the head may make movement very difficult. In both these cases I would advise small, slow, and steady movement towards a goal. The movements should be as small as necessary to maintain consistency. One run a week is great if it’s done for a full year,

15 minutes of work on a creative project is more than enough if that work is repeated every day. For advice on how to conceive of, and select goals effectively reference MY WILLPOWER EBOOK INSERT TITLE. One of my favorite ways to bring about these qualities is through sport. Run, play soccer, lift weights do anything that gets you moving. But, the more you can empiricize your goals and results, the better. How often are you training? For how long? How far are you going? How much weight are you lifting? This may sound rigid, but this work in setting personal standards and boundaries will be invaluable for The Doer and will allow for important work to be done in the later phases.

Dark qualities: In many ways The Doer may appear to suffer less than the previous phases. People with many Doer qualities (including the dark ones) are praised in today's western society for their boldness, work ethic, and ability to create prosperity and material value. The Doer has opened up a very valuable channel for his energy - out of the body. This does however create a vulnerability because The Doer attaches their self worth to development along one or a variety of external paths. A Doer may be a fantastic business executive, but their well-being is chained to the vicissitudes of business success. Similarly, their freedom of expression is chained to this singular mode of energetic release (out). The energy can only go out. Doers are frequently overworked and undernourished. Also, life callings and true passions that don’t match up to culturally or individually conceived definitions of “success” will be discounted. Furthermore, The Doer is almost only concerned with what Leo Gura defines as “horizontal growth” - growth withinone of Suzanne Cook-Greuter’s Nine Levels Of Increasing Embrace In Ego Development. Similarly, at The Doer phase, people largely conceive of growth as accumulation of certain materials and values, ie. more money, more muscle, more women.

How to Heal: In many ways the next phase, The Lover, is about healing and self-care. Early childhood wounds that create the dark qualities of the first three phases can be addressed

through any variety of healing modalities. I have the most experience with CoreEnergetic and BioEnergetic therapy, psychedelic medicine (particularly psilocybin, MDMA, and 5meo-DMT) and yoga and breathwork. However, there are a plethora of useful modalities. I find it worth noting that it is my belief that healing is most fruitful when it is done in the service of creation and growth. In this case, that would look like movement through, and full embodiment of, the positive qualities of these 5 phases. As author and consultant Robert Fritz explains in his seminal work, The Path of Least Resistance, working towards the actualization of a vision will rally all of your creative faculties in a way that working towards the alleviation, or elimination of, some unpleasant condition cannot. Healing the wounds of The Doer will counter-intuitively support it’s positive qualities - work will be more effective and creative when it’s not done out of fear - as we will see in later stages.

Statements:

• -  “I am what I do.”

• -  “Success takes hard work.”

• -  “I want more.”

• -  “I love to improve myself.”

• -  “I must improve myself.”

  In pop culture:

  Doers are replete in popular culture - often portrayed as “alpha males” and leaders. These characters are often lionized without a full-bodied exploration of the relentless self criticism and exhaustion that is often attendant to these qualities. Additionally, these characters are often presented as having, not only the positive qualities of The Doer, but the material success that

The Doer would wish for. These avatars serve more as “Doer fantasies” than honest portrayals. Of course, many pop culture depictions of these phases overgeneralize and appear as caricatures. However, you may find your estimation of some of these caricatures to be quite positive if you have also grown up in a western lens. These Doer characters include Don Draper, Tony Soprano, Michael Jordan, and Henry Ford. You may notice that these examples are all men. The Doer phase is a highly masculine or yang one (in the energetic sense of moving energy outwards.) In this sense its exaggerations are most often seen in men, but these qualities are crucial for anybody who wants to actualize their fullest potential. They can readily be seen in women including Serena Williams, Oprah, Meryl Streep, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

My experience: My development of Doer qualities was a natural by-product of self loathing and masochism. Entering my sophomore year of high school I felt overweight and out of control. I hardly ate that summer and lost thirty pounds. People looked at me differently. I was invited to join the cross country team, and I realized that my energy, particularly the boiling rage held by The Socializer, (and released through the head by The Rebel) could be sent outwards to transform my world. In my case, I used these positive qualities to transform my health, to work hard in school, succeed in athletics and, later, to do the challenging and often scary healing work of the Lover phase. Nevertheless, the dark qualities dogged me for years. I never felt that I was doing enough. There was never enough achievement, enough women, enough social clout. This way of living was more enjoyable than the years previous - I was finally able to let some anger out, transforming it into action. But this method of transformation was limited, and largely reliant on things outside of myself, as well as my own self-flagellation. Eventually the pain of maintaining this way of life forced my evolution.

The Lover

Description: The Lover phase is one of great expansion. For many, movement into this phase occurs when the defenses of The Doer are seen to be failing. In other words, the success promised by the previous phase is achieved and subsequently discovered to be unsatisfactory. The Lover phase represents a drastically different life orientation than that of The Doer. While The Lover is expansive, just as The Doer is, (each phase is more expensive than the last) it involves a movement inwards, as opposed to the external focus of The Doer. The Lover is deeply introspective. Lovers will often be yogis, meditators, users of psychoactive drugs. In the Doer phase improvement and success were measured as progress along a line outside of the organism, like a bigger bank account, better job title, etc. Success is now redefined along a line or lines unique to The Lover. These are usually in the direction of more tolerance, balance, and compassion. With these new goals, The Lover is willing to make sacrifices to achieve these states of equanimity and empathy. Usually these sacrifices will be in the form of the defenses of the previous stages - the judgements of The Socializer and Rebel stage, the blind drive of The Doer, etc.

ENERGETIC ASPECT: In The Doer phase energy was moved through and out of the organism like a laser beam, The Lover keeps his energy, holding it and attempting to circulate it more effectively through his body. Like blood flow through a sore muscle, the movement of energy is healing and helps develop the flow and ease of existence that The Lover craves.

Light qualities: In this phase we start seeing movement into high levels of consciousness, deep levels of tolerance for different races, creeds, and orientations, and the beginnings of tolerance for “bad” or “evil” elements of life. Death, destruction, crime, rape, etc, can be seen, at least through and intellectual lens, as part of the duality of life. Perhaps more importantly, movement into The Lover phase can begin a process of internal exploration that carries through the next

phases. Without the development of these qualities it is near impossible to develop the positive qualities of the further stages. Lovers, especially those who have developed the positive qualities of discipline and vision of the Doer phase, can make tremendous spiritual and therapeutic progress. Quality of life can really begin to increase if these positive qualities are developed, with more time spent in peace and compassion, and less spent in judgement.

How to Develop: There are countless methods to develop kindness, compassion, and healing. As I mentioned in Healing the Dark Qualities of The Doer Phase, some of my favorites have been yoga, Core Energetic therapy, and psychedelic therapy. Any process that engenders movement of energy into the organism and away from the material world is perfect. I also recommend acupuncture, naturopathy, standard talk-therapy, meditation, and Reiki. More important than the particular modality, or even the success of the modality, is developing an interest in and exploration of one’s complex inner world. This is the defining quality of The Lover.

Dark Qualities: While this phase is defined by its tolerance and expansion, this tolerance can often be selective. One example is that the material obsession of The Doer may be viscerally rejected. It is common for The Lover to be extremely tolerant of marginalized communities and alternative lifestyles but, on the other hand, hold extreme prejudice towards hierarchy, structure, and other qualities of both the previous phases and the next stage, The Leader. I contend that full development of the positive qualities of The Lover necessitates acceptance of even those qualities which are so anathema to this phase. Additionally, without the structure and discipline of The Doer phase, The Lover can often feel lost in life. The Lover’s “tolerance” can create a deep sense of relativism where no choice is better than any other choice. This can be freeing, but is often a painful and disempowering place to operate from.

How to Heal: As with the dark qualities of the other phases, those of The Lover are simply fear - often masquerading as morality. I have two prescriptions to heal the dark qualities of The Lover. First, The Lover’s spiritual practices must be taken further and deepened. The Lover’s tolerance will develop to the degree that their spirituality does. This may seem impossible when one is first developing their Lover qualities, but years of hard work and exploration will bear fruit. This is crucial for each person's development, not because it makes them a “better person”, but because it makes new levels of fulfillment and pleasure possible, including those that we’ll see in the next and last phase. Secondly, one of the best ways to heal the wounds and dark qualities of a phase is to develop the positive qualities of the succeeding phase. In this case, development of the positive qualities of The Leader will demand the growth and healing that I’m describing.

Statements

• -  “Live and let live.”

• -  “Emotional violence is akin to physical violence”

• -  “Hierarchies are oppressive”

• -  “I often feel aimless.”

  In Pop Culture: The Lover is reflected in a number of pop-culture archetypes. In the 1960s and 70s The Lover was ridiculed or revered as a hippy - radical, loving, perhaps not having a firm grasp of reality or even potentially dangerous. Lovers of this time include Bob Marley, John Lennon and the Beat Generation. Today, stereotypes of The Lover range from the leftist political thought of Bernie Sanders to the alternative health interests of Gwyneth Paltrow, and the New Age spirituality of Eckhart Tolle. In his discussions of Suzanne Cook-Greuter’s Nine Levels Of Increasing Embrace In Ego Development, Leo Gura makes a distinction between critiquing a

stage from above and critiquing a stage from below. While I’ve attempted to stay away from this hierarchical view of human development this is an important point. Pop Culture evaluations of these rarer qualities of The Lover and The Leader are rarely coming from a place of experience and understanding. They mostly come from a place of fear and judgement, from “below” as it were.

My experience: In college I had introductory experiences with Lover practices like yoga and psychedelic medicines, but I was still deeply involved with the Doer phase. I graduated in 2017 with thirty thousand dollars of debt. I had just had my heart broken, I had no job, no prospects, developed a slew of health problems and, most painful of all, the material success I had been working towards had not saved me. My previous experiences with psychedelics had suggested that they held serious healing potential. I moved back home and was able to find a therapist who worked with these medicines. I spent the next couple of years working with MDMA, psilocybin, and occasionally 5MEO-DMT, as well as becoming an avid yogi and working with a Core Energetics practitioner. This was some of the most impactful work of my life. It was a time of great confusion, emotional labor and frankly, material difficulty. But, I found that it freed me from decades of judgement, and expanded my consciousness in ways that have made life rich, vibrant, and full of possibility. I gave myself permission to explore many dimensions of my life. Activities that I had done for years - weightlifting, casual dating, the city I lived in, the friends I spent time with - everything was reevaluated and met with fresh eyes.

The Leader

Description: The Lover phase is in part a reaction to the limitations and restrictions of the Doer phase. In the Lover phase new avenues of being are explored. These range from stylistic

exploration to sexual exploration, to exploration in career and spirituality. This is a breaking apart of the ego and an openness to many new possibilities. Where before, perhaps only physical strength through weight training was acceptable, now The Lover may experiment with yoga, with dance, with biking, etc. As previously mentioned, this can understandably be a stage of confusion and painful soul-searching. But now, in the Leader phase, one can make choices about their life, their choice of partner, their choice of career, and so on, from a place of freedom, not one of limited options. This represents a coalescing and reformation of the ego. Many behaviors of The Leader may look similar to those of The Lover, or even The Doer. Hobbies, passions, and friendships developed during earlier stages may still be found to be rewarding. Religious and political ideologies may still be deeply cherished. But the critical distinction here is that The Leader re-chooses these interests. Interest in weightlifting, belief in Christ, affiliation with the Democratic party, all must be reaffirmed from the space of openness and unknown that is the Lover phase. In this re-choosing there lies great power. In certain cases The Doer’s power was wasted on activities that they did not possess an affinity for or predilection towards. Eventually, even beloved activities and ways of being will be threatened and weakened by The Lover’s desire for freedom. The Leader recognizes that strong life decisions must be chosen from a place of freedom and groundedness.

Energetic: The Energetic dynamic of The Leader is similar to that of The Doer. Energy is moved through and out of the organism towards chosen goals and objectives. But in this case, The Leader has a greater reserve of energy to draw on, as energy from the heart and other parts of the body are freed up during The Lover phase. This energy can now be mobilized towards goals that excite the passions of The Leader. Additionally, the activities chosen by The Leader tend to be ones that they find fulfilling and restorative. In other words there is a high ROI, and The Leader feels reinvigorated by his work, rather than drained by it.

Light Qualities: Most Leaders are particularly gifted, and have often spent years or decades developing themselves internally and externally. They are both creative, skilled, and driven to improve the world and the lives of those around them. Where The Doer was more concerned with material rewards that benefited only himself, (women, money, etc) The Leader develops himself so that he can better help others. A strong Leader has likely developed the tolerance and open mindedness of The Lover, but is also able to leverage the pragmatic decision making of The Doer to pick from many options. The Leader recognizes that perhaps all choices are relatively good in a universal sense, but sees that they are wildly different in their ability to bring about desired results. The Lover is concerned with values of love, exploration and compassion. But these values can be poisoned by The Lover’s fear and rejection of what it felt was the oppressive hierarchy of the previous phases. An effective Leader has made his peace with the opposite of the values he holds. He has explored himself emotionally and spiritually and (in a rudimentary sense) has made peace with hate, pain and suffering. In this way he is able to create his reality from a place of strength and love, not one of fear and judgement. The Leader has also reframed difficult emotions in a way that the other phases, even The Lover, have struggled with. He is now able to digest suffering as material for his own spiritual development, as “gristle for the mill” as Leo Gura describes it.

How to Develop: I believe that full development through one phase will always precipitate the next phase. When The Lover is able to truly explore in the face of fear and prejudice he naturally gravitates towards certain things, those that he is most passionate about, chosen completely of his free will. But there are ways to strategically develop qualities of The Leader. In my experience, the exploration of The Lover happens in fits and starts, as well as in different dimensions of his life at different times. He may do an overhaul of his workout routine one year and a deep evaluation of his career aspirations at another time. When your deep passions, particularly those relating to your life purpose, and how you will give your gift to others, become

clear, I advise you to leap on the opportunities and build out these skills and interests fully. To this end, I recommend Leo Gura’s Life Purpose Course. Additionally, The Leader is at heart a creator. He must be deeply in touch with his creative faculties to be effective in this phase. I recommend the work of Robert Fritz, particularly The Path of Least Resistance, to develop your skills as a creator and visionary.

Dark Qualities: Are there dark qualities of The Leader? Of course. Are there phases beyond The Leader? Absolutely. But this paper is designed to explore only five phases, from The Socializer to The Leader. I’ve chosen to limit the scope of this paper and the accompanying diagnostic quiz for two simple reasons. First, I believe most people will fall in the range of these phases. Those before The Socializer phase likely will be quite young or struggle with cognitive disabilities. Those who are more advanced than the Leader are likely not scouring the internet for information on personal development. Secondly, I myself am currently working to actualize my potential in The Leader phase. In her paper, Nine Levels Of Increasing Embrace In Ego Development, Suzanne Cook-Grueter elucidates levels of personal development beyond what I’ve spoken about here. I however am not qualified to speak about how to grow into or through these stages. Lastly, I believe that anyone can benefit from a focus on these phases of development. Every “Leader” will have Socializer qualities that could be more developed, and I believe the same can be said of phases not spoken about here.

Statements

• -  “I want to share my gifts with the world.”

• -  “I have something unique to offer.”

• -  “Tikkun Olam.”

• -  “Nothing is good or bad, always a mix.”

In Pop Culture: The Leader is a rare figure but we can see elements of The Leader in some of our great visionaries like Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and Abraham Lincoln. On a smaller scale Leaders may do important work as artists, therapists and community organizers.

My experience: I am still currently working to grow into the Leader phase. My work in developing the positive qualities of The Lover has freed me up in different ways. In some areas, like those of love and work, I feel that my exploration has culminated in a deep clarity about my passion, and the direction that the next few years of my life will take. In other areas I find that answers have not yet emerged and further exploration is necessary. I can’t tell where this exploration will lead, or where my passions will take me. But I can say with great certitude and emphasis that every minute of this process has been worth it. My life is exciting, fulfilling, and I now have a deep and abiding sense of hope, freedom, and responsibility. Enjoy your process, take your time with it, do it your own way, and use tools like this one to become deeply conscious about every step.